I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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