Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
