Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
