sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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