I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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