I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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