why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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