Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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