Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
