Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
