Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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