Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
