i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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