he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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