Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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