My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
