I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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