No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
