The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
