i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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