My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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