I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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