Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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