there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
