So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
