Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
