Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
