I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
