4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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