My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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