smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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