You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
