and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
