I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
