Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
