Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
