I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
