She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
