Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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