I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
