So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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