dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
