Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
