My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
