Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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