I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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