i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
