Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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