Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
