and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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