i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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