I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
